Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
