I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
