In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she told me i tasted like america
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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