you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
