I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
