My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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