She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
