I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
farters have to be the big spoon...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
