I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
