I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
