Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
