I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
