I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
