I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
