i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
