I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
