and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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