i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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