Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
