You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
vagina is talking i cant
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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