I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
