70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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