I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
