Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
