allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
