I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
