the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i will never coherently bang her
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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