the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
