Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
