Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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