i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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