i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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