my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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