i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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