thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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