Pappa wants mamma naked
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
