I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
