I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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