Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
