a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
