How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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