I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
