He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
