Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
