We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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