Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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