pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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