I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
