I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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