My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she told me i tasted like america
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
