i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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